Marriage Tips

Work on good in-law relationships. You are told to cleave unto each other and none-else, but being none-else doesn’t feel all that great. Take time for your in-laws.

Sarcasm has no place in your relationship. Give it up!
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them though. They marry to give and to grow, bound by the covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.

Arguments

During arguments, be open and honest about your feelings. Don’t presume the feelings or expectations of your partner - ask! Consult with others in an appropriate manner with the ultimate decision being made by you. Be careful about disclosing issues that only you and your partner need to decide. Let go of mistakes. Learn from mistakes and allow them to be the stepping stones towards growth.

You will have an argument! When you do, don’t threaten to go home or leave. Stick with the discussion until it’s solved. If it gets too heated, take a time out. Listen to each other.

When things are really stressful, sit down on the floor facing each other and maintain eye contact while discussing the issue. Try holding hands to enrich the connection. It helps you to feel important and cherished, and eliminates hostile body language.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I think you/we are just tired. Let’s drop it.” Be open to being told the same thing. Try not to raise your voice. It is very powerful to be able to say, “I’m upset” without acting it out. Stick to the subject. Identify the real problem. Don’t go to other issues. Remember, your spouse is not a mind reader. Recognize when it is your fault and apologize. Don’t stonewall - closing your ears or shutting off when a partner is complaining is a huge predictor of breakdown in a relationship.

Another interesting fact that research has uncovered is that the relationship is likely to fail if the woman shows affection to her partner when he is displaying negative emotions towards her. The advice says that an angry response from the spouse is more likely to contribute to a healthy long-term relationship. This sounds crazy, I know, but I have experienced it. Years ago, I heard advice that I should try “not complaining” for thirty days to see how it affected our relationship. It sounded so noble and good that I decided to try it. It was an absolute disaster. When he did something that really bugged me, I just smiled and ignored it (at least on the outside, but it festered inside). I was working so hard to be perfect, but he wasn’t (as he didn’t know about the experiment). He was allowed to criticize me, but I just had to take it. After a few days, I learned that it was much healthier to express my emotions (in a positive way, of course), rather than stifle them. However, agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer away from is a key relationship skill. Getting everything “out in the open” or “airing issues” doesn’t always make sense if there are topics on which you just don’t agree. If he squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom and she squeezes it from the middle, buy two tubes!

Express disapproval using “I” rather than “You”. Thus, you would say, “I feel so uncomfortable in a house where everything isn’t put away” rather than “You are such a slob. Clean up your mess.” The one expresses how the situation affects the speaker. The second criticizes the other person.

Traditions

In some families, special meals are a tradition. There are many other ways to form traditions as a couple.

Purchase a guest registry book for your new home and every time you have guests (friends and family too) have them sign and date. Include the purpose of the visit when special events arise. This is a wonderful tradition to start, even with informal visits!

Make it a date. Have a “mystery date”—alternate between the two of you in who decides where you go and what activities the date involves. Do this on the anniversary of first meeting each other.

Make a special capsule for EACH year of marriage. Include special event mementos that hold significant memories. Share with your children or at your 25th wedding anniversary.

Make each year special

Cleave to each other, but don’t lose yourself

Learn to enjoy new activities together, but don’t give up the things you enjoyed before you married. Marriage should be an enriching, not a limiting of interests.

I remember going to play with the hubby several years ago. As luck would have it, I ended up sitting by one of my female students. When I asked her where her husband was, she said, “Oh, my husband doesn’t like things like this, but I love them. He is studying at home. I came by myself.” They hadn’t been married long. I was impressed with her tenacity in pursuing the things she loved, but was surprised that he wouldn’t extend his comfort zone just a bit to be with his wife and learn to enjoy the activity because she did. Marriage is give and take, not just take. It should represent the union of interests, not the intersection.

Take time for yourself. You need to be good to yourself before being good to someone else.

Two halves make a whole

Show affection to each other.
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Trust your spouse. They promised to love you and honor you. Respect them as your spouse and as a person.

Expectations and assumptions

Expectations and assumptions are a critical topic in every relationship. Understanding and dealing with our assumptions and expectations is your best tool in growing and strengthening your relationship. Does the husband make every decision? Does the wife manage the finances? Does the husband control activities and the wife sacrifice things she loves? Who drives the car when both are together? How are chores divided?

We inherit many of our assumptions from our upbringing as a child. Our values and beliefs are formed during these early years. We grow up knowing what to assume and what to expect from our family. It can become so ingrained, that it is our way of thinking. We presume that others see things our way, and we expect them to have similar assumptions. This can be a real stumbling block to a successful relationship because we regularly find ourselves at odds with many of our partner’s words or actions. The best way to make progress is to take the time to understand where the assumptions came from.

Communication

Talk to each other every day.

Prayer to your heavenly Father is the best means of communication between two people. Many a marriage has been completely transformed by initiating a practice of regular prayer. The success of many marriages can be attributed to obeying Proverbs 3:5-6, which states, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths

Someone once said, "You can't quarrel with the woman you pray with every day." There is something humbling about getting down on your knees together that is emotionally beneficial to both parties. Many couples have acknowledged that they rise from their knees more genuinely intertwined than before they prayed.

Here are the Ten Commandments for a happy marriage.

1. trust
2. building and maintaining confidence of security of emotional, sentimental and spiritual needs with care and respect.
3. understanding.
4. adjustments.
5. love
6. making christ a partner in your marriage.
7. building self-confidence and personality development.
8. bringing-up the children with moral, health, educational, intellectual and socio-cultural values.
9. commitment to: free communication, frank discussion, mutual consultation, togetherness, privacy, mutuality, compatability, compromise, honesty, adaptability, sympathy, empathy, satisfaction, happiness, joyful companionship, respect, sharing, intimacy, co-operation, co-ordination, and compassion.
10. ensuring the following not to poke their nose within marriage: egoism, selfishness, rigidity, hurting feelings, arguments, neglect, helplessness, humiliation, criticism, contradictions, or offensiveness.

Finances

Finances are very important to the strength of your marriage. A woman I know has her QVC products mailed to the office so her husband won’t see them. He has confiscated her credit card, but she has memorized her number and continues to order. They have a serious problem. Talk about how money is to be spent and who will manage the checkbook.

Weekly Date

Spend quality time with each other. Don’t get so busy making a living that you cease to make a life. Be “sweet” to each other. Criticism kills relationships.

Your spouse is 80% good and 20% bad. If you look at the 80%, you will be happy. If you look at the 20%, you will be miserable.

 

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